Monday, April 2, 2012

Journal 29

When it comes to myself, I am clueless. There is something of a duality to my nature, and because the two sides seem very much to be opposites, I am sort of confused about the subject. One side is very peaceful, very much a Transcendentalist. I sit outside and admire the way leaves look when the sun shines through them, and I read books about ideas and philosophies. There are times when I feel completely happy (althought that is not a strong enough word), both contented and excited at the same time because the world is so beautiful and life is so incredible and wonderful. Then there is the hamartia of that side of my character, and it causes me pain so intense that it is hard to bear. That fatal flaw is that despite the lack of thought I am surrounded by on a daily basis, I still care about the people around me. I want to hate them because that would be much easier to deal with, but instead I find myself wishing they just stepped outside their mindless chatter to think for a little while. A little bit of thought can make all of the difference between being a person who knows what they really care about and one who would be depressed by their lives if they thought about it, so perhaps it is better that they do not think. As it is, thinkng has become a painful habit to get into because so few people do it. If you are not careful, you step too far away from normal almost-thoughts, and forever alienate yourself from the people around you. That is my hamartia, that I am alone and that I care about it.

The other side of my self is stoic and strong, whose motto is that if one must have failure and weakness, it had better never be admitted. I read books about the world and how it works, and no matter what make time to practice the precise art of hitting things. My other side does not dislike conflict, but this side thrives on it, craves it. Anything to be fought is not only precious, but sacred. I fight though work I do not understand, I fight through exhaustion to finish what I start. The people and events that would cause me pain as a Transcendentalist do not even register in this side of me. This is the side that takes the other side's pain and makes something out of it. This is the side that keeps me going when I have had three weeks of a bookbag that would break a lesser student's shoulder, and equally heavy subjects to learn from the books inside. If I am alone, this side glorys in it. One person against the world. That, my friends, is a fight.

Some things do not change between the two sides of my nature. I always have the same political ideas, and always the same taste in books and music. Sometimes my ideas about people in general change, but that is probably due to the change in attitude more than anything else.

Maybe without both sides I would be unbalanced. I have no use for intermediates, and always alternate between poles. Maybe the different sides just reflect the different sides of life that I enjoy. I enjoy both thought and conflict, the pen and the sword so to speak. No matter what part of life I am observing, I always admire the... there are just no words to adequately describe that feeling that comes from knowing that you are alive and the world is beautiful. Knowing you are able to observe, and appreciate, and feel. And to a lesser extent, that I have poured my entire soul out in a blog no one will read.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent reflective study of your Self! Yeah . . . I read all the blog posts and especially enjoy the student posts that demonstrate deep thought.