Sunday, May 27, 2012


School is over.  Let summer promptly begin!  I have all of the time I want to do only the things I want, but even so I haven't used it for any of those things yet.  It could be that I have just been enjoying the lack of stress, or I could be being lazy.  The jury's out.

Next week I'm going to West Point for a few days, and I'm pretty worried.  I'm not sure I can keep up with all of the exercise they will be expecting of me there, but if I have difficulties then at least I'm only there for a few days.  The camp is just to help me decide whether or not I would want to go to West Point once I graduate. 

One thing that is really bothering me right now is all of the camps my dad is making me go to this summer.  So far, there are four total.  I just want my summer to myself, is that too much to ask?

On a slightly deeper note, I haven't been nearly sad enough lately.  I cannot write music if I am not properly miserable, and for the last few weeks I've been quite happy.  There's a certain friend of mine who, for some reason or another, makes me miserable when I'm around him.  I really want to see him, but it's strange.  It's like a craving for a poison.  It doesn't make much sense, but without this certain poison I can't create.  Maybe I'll call him, but if I do then it's with the knowledge that I'll feel terrible because of it.  I can't be happy no matter what I do, so I might as well make something out of it.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Something New

Now that this blog's original purpose is over, I suppose I can start using it however I want. I no longer need it to post literary reflections, or write journals about slightly frustrating prompts.  I can write whatever I want, and I can totally use personal pronouns.  The point now is to keep my life sorted out in my own mind, and maybe share some of the things I create with whoever should happen to stumble upon them. 

Today is the first day of finals, and I am not as worried about it as I usually am.  I have already taken all of my AP tests, which takes a lot of the pressure off.  The only finals that should be any kind of problem are in physics and pre-calc, but even then I can't get myself to take them seriously.  Maybe all of the stress I've been under over the last few weeks has finally desensitized me to stressful situations.  I guess a person can only take so much worrying before they give up, and let be what will be.  Anyway, I am really enjoying the calmness of it.

On top of all the studying I need to get done this weekend, for once in my pitiful life I have a lot of social type things planned.  What I'm really looking forward to is playing at the high school graduation.  I mean, we have to play Pomp and Circumstance around a million times, but we are also playing a few of our concert pieces.  I love playing in the band so much.  It's not even that I love playing saxophone so much as that I love being a part of creating music, and when the rest of the band is in tune and playing everything well I think that I could play saxophone for the rest of my life, as long as I am playing with other people who care about the music.

But then reality hits me like the terrible person it is.  Everyone expects too much of me for me to become a musician, and I expect too much of myself.  I know I can do something really great with my life, and being a musician would be wasting a lot of my talent.  Not to mention how hard it is to make a living as a musician.  It's only in really big cities that musicians get paid, and even then only for performances.  I just have to keep music as a cherished hobby.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Journal 31

On Wednesday I went to the National Guard base in Springfield to job shadow some of the people there.  It may not have been the most exciting three hours of my life, but I feel like I am much more informed now on my possible career choices.  I spent some time talking to some of the engineers there, and learned that the National Guard engineers mostly work on building construction and maintenance.  This is not really what I am interested in, but at least it let me know for sure that the National Guard is off my list of possibilities.  I then spent some time talking to a former recruiter/current engineer.  He let me know how I should go about getting where I want to be in the military and talked a little bit about what a person has to do while on reserve.  Of course none of this had yet occurred to me, so I am very glad to have had this conversation.

I also spent some time talking with an officer in the National Guard.  I am planning to become an officer in the Army or Navy, so I was really interested in what she had to say about it.  She told me that she had enjoyed her time before becoming an officer more because as an officer, she now has to spend more time planning and less time actually training.  This really made me think that I might be getting myself into something I will not really enjoy around a year from now, so I think I should really talk to some officers in other branches of the military before I make any decisions.

To conclude, I realized that I need to get more information about what my duties as an officer will be and about what will be expected of me during the years I am on reserve.  I realized that I was not quite as well informed about my future career choice as I had thought.