Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Journal 24

A time when I was frightened? To be quite honest, there have not been many. Most of the time I would appear to be frightened I am merely startled by something that has happened suddenly. When I was younger, I was frightened by the supernatural things in horror movies I would glimpse. For around a year I would jump onto my bed because I was afraid of something grabbing me from underneath it. When I randomly scattered garlic cloves around my room, I quickly ceased being afraid though (I kid you not, I really did that). I understand it sounds childish and superstitious, but it made me feel much better, and even seemed reasonable at the time. Since then fears have been few and far between, save for one.

My deepest, most guarded fear is that I will spend all of my life in central Illinois or somewhere like it, and be stuck there alone. It terrifies me down to my core. Try as I may, I cannot imagine anything even slightly worse. I cannot bear the thought that my entire life will be spent with no excitement, no thrilling interest, and with no one who understands. When ever I think of it I get a strange, nauseous feeling that stretches all of the way up my throat, and I start panicking. When I say that I panic I mean that I truly panic. Had I less control of myself, I would begin fidgeting compulsively. The panic is one of the reasons I get so restless and need to take extensive walks. It is a rather vehement emotion, and sometimes it quite overcomes me when I spend too much time in thought over it.

So, now I have shared my deepest and only fear with the entire internet, to be read by no one. That is just the slightest bit depressing when one starts to think about it. I have barley even mentioned it to my closest friends, and here I am, spelling it all out where the entire world can see it, but no one will.

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